Monday, May 18, 2009
Please read reworked blog
I did my May 18th blog late at night so there a more than a few mistakes. It has been edited now so please read the reworked blog.
Clean up Your Room or I’m Callin the Cops!
(This is the second copy of this blog, my apolgies for the mistakes in the first one, that's what happens when I do them late)
Today’s story is one of those that makes you shake your head and go….wow is the human race in trouble. I am being told that as a person in my middle ages, (I’m sure that you are familiar with that age...it’s the age between ah crap and oh damn?) I should take heed that my future is now in the hands of our young folks. You remember those people don’t you, the kids that you yell at to change their underwear before they can stand up on their own, stop surfing porn on your laptop because you aren’t interested in seeing some large chested woman named Kitty who likes long walks on short piers and stop trying to shoving peas up the cat’s (or your sister’s) nose all while you scream from the living room, “ARE YOU ON DRUGS? Yeah, those kids.
Most days I think, well I’ve done my thing maybe it is time to turn it over to the younger generation but then I read something like today’s story of stupid.
According to the news story a man in Bedford Ohio called 911 because of his son. Now I don’t know about you but if I have to call 911 on my kid it would be because of something like, he had lost his damn little mind and pulled a knife on me. That’s not what Mr. Andrew Mizsak called the cops on his son for; nope it was something far more sinister. Mr. Mizask called 911 on his son because…wait for it….wait for it…. “his 28-year-old son — who's a school board member in the Cleveland suburb of Bedford — threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when he was told to clean his room.” Yup you heard that right, the son, also named Andrew, lives in a room in his parents' basement and when dear old dad told his namesake to clean up his room, the ADULT son flung his food and shook his fist just like any other three year old child and then to add ridiculous to stupid, the old man called the cops to complain. This begs the question, what did the cops do when they showed up and finally stopped laughing? As it turned out, as if this story could get any more ridiculous, the father declined to press charges and told police he doesn't want to ruin his son's political career so he would just let it go.
All I have to say is… my kids get off easy.
For the whole story, because I couldn’t make this up visit, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30809741/
Today’s story is one of those that makes you shake your head and go….wow is the human race in trouble. I am being told that as a person in my middle ages, (I’m sure that you are familiar with that age...it’s the age between ah crap and oh damn?) I should take heed that my future is now in the hands of our young folks. You remember those people don’t you, the kids that you yell at to change their underwear before they can stand up on their own, stop surfing porn on your laptop because you aren’t interested in seeing some large chested woman named Kitty who likes long walks on short piers and stop trying to shoving peas up the cat’s (or your sister’s) nose all while you scream from the living room, “ARE YOU ON DRUGS? Yeah, those kids.
Most days I think, well I’ve done my thing maybe it is time to turn it over to the younger generation but then I read something like today’s story of stupid.
According to the news story a man in Bedford Ohio called 911 because of his son. Now I don’t know about you but if I have to call 911 on my kid it would be because of something like, he had lost his damn little mind and pulled a knife on me. That’s not what Mr. Andrew Mizsak called the cops on his son for; nope it was something far more sinister. Mr. Mizask called 911 on his son because…wait for it….wait for it…. “his 28-year-old son — who's a school board member in the Cleveland suburb of Bedford — threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when he was told to clean his room.” Yup you heard that right, the son, also named Andrew, lives in a room in his parents' basement and when dear old dad told his namesake to clean up his room, the ADULT son flung his food and shook his fist just like any other three year old child and then to add ridiculous to stupid, the old man called the cops to complain. This begs the question, what did the cops do when they showed up and finally stopped laughing? As it turned out, as if this story could get any more ridiculous, the father declined to press charges and told police he doesn't want to ruin his son's political career so he would just let it go.
All I have to say is… my kids get off easy.
For the whole story, because I couldn’t make this up visit, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30809741/
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Hey Mr. Park Ranger – We’ve got a leak over here!
Ok, every now and then one of those stories comes along that make you stop what you’re doing and turn to the person sitting next to you and simply say…oh geez, really?
Obviously the folks running Yellowstone National Park need to set an age limit for those who come to work for them…or many they just need to set a two beer minimum. As the story goes two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers, guys who have access to all the soda a guy can steal from a national park, decided, for whatever reason to skip hitting the port-a-potty and just stop off at the first large hole they could find. The problem wasn’t the fact that they were bleeding the old lizard a’ natural, the problem was that the rather large hole they decided to urinate in happened to be one of the nation’s most treasured blow-holes, you guessed it, Old Faithful. Take a walk with me for just a second and see what I see in my mind’s eye…there they are Bill and Bob, having just drunk entirely too much bootleg coke looking for a place to pee. Bill looks at Bob, they look at Old Faithful, giggle a little and hop the fence skipping off to do what will go down in history as the dumbest thing any two guys could do next to urinating on the big foot at Lincoln’s Monument…pee into Old Faithful. (Let’s hope they timed it right because that could be a real reverse pisser as my grandpa Leonard would have said) And how do these two geniuses get caught? Well on live webcam of course! Some dude with obviously very little to do with his own time caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser on Yellowstone’s live webcam. (Gotta love the term “real time”)
The story goes on to say that one of the men, a 23-year-old, was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. I am sure that NONE of us wants to know what he took from the area. But this story does beg the asking of one simple question….do you think that’s why they call it Yellowstone?
For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30765586/?GT1=43001
Obviously the folks running Yellowstone National Park need to set an age limit for those who come to work for them…or many they just need to set a two beer minimum. As the story goes two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers, guys who have access to all the soda a guy can steal from a national park, decided, for whatever reason to skip hitting the port-a-potty and just stop off at the first large hole they could find. The problem wasn’t the fact that they were bleeding the old lizard a’ natural, the problem was that the rather large hole they decided to urinate in happened to be one of the nation’s most treasured blow-holes, you guessed it, Old Faithful. Take a walk with me for just a second and see what I see in my mind’s eye…there they are Bill and Bob, having just drunk entirely too much bootleg coke looking for a place to pee. Bill looks at Bob, they look at Old Faithful, giggle a little and hop the fence skipping off to do what will go down in history as the dumbest thing any two guys could do next to urinating on the big foot at Lincoln’s Monument…pee into Old Faithful. (Let’s hope they timed it right because that could be a real reverse pisser as my grandpa Leonard would have said) And how do these two geniuses get caught? Well on live webcam of course! Some dude with obviously very little to do with his own time caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser on Yellowstone’s live webcam. (Gotta love the term “real time”)
The story goes on to say that one of the men, a 23-year-old, was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. I am sure that NONE of us wants to know what he took from the area. But this story does beg the asking of one simple question….do you think that’s why they call it Yellowstone?
For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30765586/?GT1=43001
Friday, May 15, 2009
Some People will do anything for a smoke
Some people will do anything for a cigarette. I don’t personally smoke so I am not intuned with the crazy brain cell that a woman in Florida accessed last week. According to the news reports authorities said a woman who wasn't wearing any clothes knocked on stranger's door in the middle of the night to ask for cigarettes. Forgive me but can you see the reaction this guy had? (Lord thank you, thank you, thank you) That is until he realized that the woman at the door could have been his grandmother.
Yup according to the Pinellas County sheriff's office the woman was 52 years old and wearing only boxer shorts. (Ew factor – check.) I don’t know about you but I am embracing my later years albeit not quite this much. What would you say to a 52 year old woman at the door at 2 a.m. in nothing but boxer shorts? Perhaps, Grandma is that you?
I guess this really doesn’t need to be pointed out but the story does say that the woman was found wandering around after the police got the call and showed up, (Probably after catching their breath from laughing so hard) in (you guessed it) a trailer park. Those rednecks…they just have all the fun don’t they.
For the whole story, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30691193/
Yup according to the Pinellas County sheriff's office the woman was 52 years old and wearing only boxer shorts. (Ew factor – check.) I don’t know about you but I am embracing my later years albeit not quite this much. What would you say to a 52 year old woman at the door at 2 a.m. in nothing but boxer shorts? Perhaps, Grandma is that you?
I guess this really doesn’t need to be pointed out but the story does say that the woman was found wandering around after the police got the call and showed up, (Probably after catching their breath from laughing so hard) in (you guessed it) a trailer park. Those rednecks…they just have all the fun don’t they.
For the whole story, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30691193/
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Hey buddy is this your head?
We spend our days wondering where AIDS came from, what (or who for those of you conspiracy theorist out there) developed the Swine Flu and how on earth did the Ebola virus come into being? These are all things that suddenly cropped up and gave a lot of people the fight of their lives. How does something SUDDENLY come into being?
Conspiracy theorist would have you believe that there is some mad laughter coming from a secret lab somewhere where there is a guy (or girl, equal rights for the mad scientist you see) developing horrible vials of stuff to unleash on the unsuspecting public. While the regular people are going about their days eating their Wheaties, mowing the lawn and playing baseball on their Wii’s (no one actually goes OUTSIDE anymore) there are actually people out there who are out to get us. They want to see us suffer and why? Is it because they can? Is it because they believe that all of humanity is blight on the planet? Is it because they have watched too many other mad scientists on TV and just can’t help but try and get their names on the “List of Baddest Guys of all Time”? Nope, it’s because there is an enormous backlog of stupid in the science and government communities. That’s right, no baddies, no world to be destroyed scenarios, just plain good old fashion human stupid.
Conspiracy theorist would have you believe that there is some mad laughter coming from a secret lab somewhere where there is a guy (or girl, equal rights for the mad scientist you see) developing horrible vials of stuff to unleash on the unsuspecting public. While the regular people are going about their days eating their Wheaties, mowing the lawn and playing baseball on their Wii’s (no one actually goes OUTSIDE anymore) there are actually people out there who are out to get us. They want to see us suffer and why? Is it because they can? Is it because they believe that all of humanity is blight on the planet? Is it because they have watched too many other mad scientists on TV and just can’t help but try and get their names on the “List of Baddest Guys of all Time”? Nope, it’s because there is an enormous backlog of stupid in the science and government communities. That’s right, no baddies, no world to be destroyed scenarios, just plain good old fashion human stupid.
Need Proof? Well alrighty then….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “ Here, let me repeat that….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “
Yes you read that correctly and yes there are actually researchers in Texas who are spending their days trying to create the ant version of Shawn of the Dead. (That’s a great movie if you haven’t seen it by the way) These guys, who probably graduated top in their beaker classes, are attempting to fight fire with…well…zombies. According to the news story (yes this made the news, someone actually ADMITTED that this was taking place and then called it news) the flies lay eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away at the pest's tiny brain. The ant will hang around for about two weeks while the maggot feeds and then when there is no brain left in the ant, he/she just starts wandering aimlessly. (Ok, I have to admit I found that hilarious…) About a month after the egg is laid, the ant's head falls off -- and a new fly emerges ready to attack another fire ant. (Ok the phrase you’re looking for is OH…MY…LORD)
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “ Here, let me repeat that….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “
Yes you read that correctly and yes there are actually researchers in Texas who are spending their days trying to create the ant version of Shawn of the Dead. (That’s a great movie if you haven’t seen it by the way) These guys, who probably graduated top in their beaker classes, are attempting to fight fire with…well…zombies. According to the news story (yes this made the news, someone actually ADMITTED that this was taking place and then called it news) the flies lay eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away at the pest's tiny brain. The ant will hang around for about two weeks while the maggot feeds and then when there is no brain left in the ant, he/she just starts wandering aimlessly. (Ok, I have to admit I found that hilarious…) About a month after the egg is laid, the ant's head falls off -- and a new fly emerges ready to attack another fire ant. (Ok the phrase you’re looking for is OH…MY…LORD)
After reading this I had to sit in stunned silence. (ok I had to catch my breath from laughing so hard) Really?! Seriously?! This is a bad B rate horror movie waiting for a director isn’t it? So…with much renewed respect to my paranoid, conspiracy brethren, I have to say, hey guys you might be right, maybe the government really IS trying to make us all zombies…hell…look at what they’re doing to the ants!
Your tax dollars at work folks!
For the whole story, because I really didn’t make this up…
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_051309ENB-AP_fire-ants-headless-zombies-JM.1ff5132c.html
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_051309ENB-AP_fire-ants-headless-zombies-JM.1ff5132c.html
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
But Dude I've got the munchies BAD!
Now I have had friends with the munches before but usually it only involves a 1 mph walk to the kitchen for the nearest Twinkie, not a 90 mph run for the Taco Bell drive-thru.
Officials say a suspected drug dealer led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana trying to elude them but was arrested as he made a mad dash for Taco Bell. Maybe he watches TV stoned and got going over the border to Mexico to avoid jail mixed up with those run for the border commercials for Taco Bell tacos. According to police reports he man was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot and told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. Now that is loyality to your favorite fast food place! I can see the new Taco Bell commericals now...
--Taco Bell - Make us your last stop before prision"
--Taco Bell - We are the Other Border!"
--Taco Bell - For those times when the munchies are too tough to resist."
--Taco Bell - Criminials give up in our parking lot and get three free tacos!"
Truely I just can't make this stuff up....
For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30715130/
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Hey man I don't want fries with THAT!
A story ran last week that puts a new spin on the phrase, huh? In Swizerland, (go figure) the Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. Hey is that how Big Macs and Quarter Pounders are born Ma?
The Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Now I don't know about you but I'm just not sure that I can eat an order of McDonald's french fries ever again.
The Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Now I don't know about you but I'm just not sure that I can eat an order of McDonald's french fries ever again.
The first question you have to ask is how did that thing get in there in the first place. Do you think some young grill cook with all those pimples from the fry grease in the air got lucky with the drive through girl? Well, at least they were using protection I guess. And how did it get into a happy meal? Maybe the grill cook was REALLY happy and that was the only place that made sense.
Now if the picture in your mind of the little seven year old girl with a Barbie in her lap, a french fry in one hand and a condom in the other isn't enough to make you die laughing the comment from a newscaster on Fox News should. After the regular desk reporter recanted the story of little pig tails and the condom adventure his fellow news caster looked at him inquizzedly and asked the one question that every guy who has ever found himself sitting in front of a television set with a beer in his hand while watching race cars make constant left hand turns would, he asked....wait for it....wait for it...."was it used?"
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