Thursday, December 24, 2009

But wait I thought you lived THERE....


Have you even noticed that most really good stupid stories begin with, "So there I was...." Imagine if you will being really mad at your ex-grilfriend and planning to get back at her only to screw it up.It would appear that a guy in Georgia did just that, probebly right after a beer run to the local Piggly Wiggly. As the story tells it he was upset with his ex-girlfriend (guess we don't have to wonder why she isn't with him anymore)and decided in that tiny little brain of his that he would pull do something spectacular to get back at her. So he builds a device, drives to her street and throws a fire bomb....you guessed it...into the home of the guy who lived NEXT DOOR to his ex-girlfriend. Apparently his GPS was not working correctly...or prehaps the fact that those little GPS things are voiced by a woman...the joke was on him. I can see it now..."No Buddy Joe, she lives next door to the house where you went to visit her every week for TWO years while you were dating....no...really.... I'll bet the last thing he heard before the sirens was..."Thank you for using Garmin" in the sweetest female voice possible......


For the rest of the story http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34577355/ns/us_news-weird_news/

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Honey, Eat Your Dinner or I'll Call the Cops


Hey I finally discovered a way to get my family to eat my cooking...police enforcement. That's right, a woman in Texas (ok, no one is surprised that it was in Texas) called the police to report that her husband was trying a new form of domestic violence...NOT eating her cooking. As my middle son would say...REALLY? In today's world of actual domestic violence, gang shootings and crime run amuck, do we really need to gum up the system with a call about our spouses eating habits? I have to admit that there have been times when I have been frustrated with my kids and wanted to shove them into a small box and mail them to my mother because they have been reluctant to eat something that I had slaved over for hours. (Did I mention that I am NOT a great cook?) But to call the cops...well...that may be going a bit too far. The woman in question will be charged with 911 abuse..whatever that entails...but maybe instead the officers who showed up to the call should have made her eat her own cooking...that might have stopped her. I know one thing, I have this picture in my mind of her being handcuffed and carted away as her husband stood watching through the screen door pumping his fist in the air shouting.."yes!"
For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/34577354/ns/us_news-weird_news/

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

I Think I’ll Have Fish for Dinner


It’s been a while since I have added to this blog and I apologize for that. It isn’t that people have stopped being stupid, I just got a little lazy. I’m back now and I could not have asked for a better story than the following:

Apparently in Pasadena, Texas a woman decided on her dinner fare out of anger. As the story goes, the woman was arguing with her former spouse about some jewelry that he had given her but then decided to take back. Now all you guys out there take note, NEVER MESS WITH A WOMAN’S JEWLERY. This guy got lucky that she didn’t cut off a part of him and fry it up.


No instead she broke into his new apartment, grabbed a zip lock and took his seven goldfish home for dinner. Not to join her for dinner mind you but to BE dinner. A little garlic, some shallots and little fish tank Nemo and friends fell victim to a woman hungry for jewelry. The story says that by the times the cops got there four of the gold (en brown) fish were still in the frying pan. The woman had apparently already downed three of them. (perhaps with a nice Chianti?)

So guys the next time you think about taking that ring back from your ex remember the gold fish and hide the dog.

Visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33088053/ns/us_news-weird_news/ for the whole story, truly, I couldn’t make this stuff up.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Please read reworked blog

I did my May 18th blog late at night so there a more than a few mistakes. It has been edited now so please read the reworked blog.

Clean up Your Room or I’m Callin the Cops!

(This is the second copy of this blog, my apolgies for the mistakes in the first one, that's what happens when I do them late)


Today’s story is one of those that makes you shake your head and go….wow is the human race in trouble. I am being told that as a person in my middle ages, (I’m sure that you are familiar with that age...it’s the age between ah crap and oh damn?) I should take heed that my future is now in the hands of our young folks. You remember those people don’t you, the kids that you yell at to change their underwear before they can stand up on their own, stop surfing porn on your laptop because you aren’t interested in seeing some large chested woman named Kitty who likes long walks on short piers and stop trying to shoving peas up the cat’s (or your sister’s) nose all while you scream from the living room, “ARE YOU ON DRUGS? Yeah, those kids.
Most days I think, well I’ve done my thing maybe it is time to turn it over to the younger generation but then I read something like today’s story of stupid.

According to the news story a man in Bedford Ohio called 911 because of his son. Now I don’t know about you but if I have to call 911 on my kid it would be because of something like, he had lost his damn little mind and pulled a knife on me. That’s not what Mr. Andrew Mizsak called the cops on his son for; nope it was something far more sinister. Mr. Mizask called 911 on his son because…wait for it….wait for it…. “his 28-year-old son — who's a school board member in the Cleveland suburb of Bedford — threw a plate of food across the kitchen table and made a fist at him when he was told to clean his room.” Yup you heard that right, the son, also named Andrew, lives in a room in his parents' basement and when dear old dad told his namesake to clean up his room, the ADULT son flung his food and shook his fist just like any other three year old child and then to add ridiculous to stupid, the old man called the cops to complain. This begs the question, what did the cops do when they showed up and finally stopped laughing? As it turned out, as if this story could get any more ridiculous, the father declined to press charges and told police he doesn't want to ruin his son's political career so he would just let it go.



All I have to say is… my kids get off easy.



For the whole story, because I couldn’t make this up visit, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30809741/

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Hey Mr. Park Ranger – We’ve got a leak over here!


Ok, every now and then one of those stories comes along that make you stop what you’re doing and turn to the person sitting next to you and simply say…oh geez, really?
Obviously the folks running Yellowstone National Park need to set an age limit for those who come to work for them…or many they just need to set a two beer minimum. As the story goes two seasonal Yellowstone National Park concession workers, guys who have access to all the soda a guy can steal from a national park, decided, for whatever reason to skip hitting the port-a-potty and just stop off at the first large hole they could find. The problem wasn’t the fact that they were bleeding the old lizard a’ natural, the problem was that the rather large hole they decided to urinate in happened to be one of the nation’s most treasured blow-holes, you guessed it, Old Faithful. Take a walk with me for just a second and see what I see in my mind’s eye…there they are Bill and Bob, having just drunk entirely too much bootleg coke looking for a place to pee. Bill looks at Bob, they look at Old Faithful, giggle a little and hop the fence skipping off to do what will go down in history as the dumbest thing any two guys could do next to urinating on the big foot at Lincoln’s Monument…pee into Old Faithful. (Let’s hope they timed it right because that could be a real reverse pisser as my grandpa Leonard would have said) And how do these two geniuses get caught? Well on live webcam of course! Some dude with obviously very little to do with his own time caught them urinating into the Old Faithful geyser on Yellowstone’s live webcam. (Gotta love the term “real time”)
The story goes on to say that one of the men, a 23-year-old, was fined $750 and placed on three years of unsupervised probation for urinating, being off trail in a restricted area and taking items from the area. I am sure that NONE of us wants to know what he took from the area. But this story does beg the asking of one simple question….do you think that’s why they call it Yellowstone?
For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30765586/?GT1=43001

Friday, May 15, 2009

Some People will do anything for a smoke


Some people will do anything for a cigarette. I don’t personally smoke so I am not intuned with the crazy brain cell that a woman in Florida accessed last week. According to the news reports authorities said a woman who wasn't wearing any clothes knocked on stranger's door in the middle of the night to ask for cigarettes. Forgive me but can you see the reaction this guy had? (Lord thank you, thank you, thank you) That is until he realized that the woman at the door could have been his grandmother.
Yup according to the Pinellas County sheriff's office the woman was 52 years old and wearing only boxer shorts. (Ew factor – check.) I don’t know about you but I am embracing my later years albeit not quite this much. What would you say to a 52 year old woman at the door at 2 a.m. in nothing but boxer shorts? Perhaps, Grandma is that you?
I guess this really doesn’t need to be pointed out but the story does say that the woman was found wandering around after the police got the call and showed up, (Probably after catching their breath from laughing so hard) in (you guessed it) a trailer park. Those rednecks…they just have all the fun don’t they.
For the whole story, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30691193/

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hey buddy is this your head?


We spend our days wondering where AIDS came from, what (or who for those of you conspiracy theorist out there) developed the Swine Flu and how on earth did the Ebola virus come into being? These are all things that suddenly cropped up and gave a lot of people the fight of their lives. How does something SUDDENLY come into being?

Conspiracy theorist would have you believe that there is some mad laughter coming from a secret lab somewhere where there is a guy (or girl, equal rights for the mad scientist you see) developing horrible vials of stuff to unleash on the unsuspecting public. While the regular people are going about their days eating their Wheaties, mowing the lawn and playing baseball on their Wii’s (no one actually goes OUTSIDE anymore) there are actually people out there who are out to get us. They want to see us suffer and why? Is it because they can? Is it because they believe that all of humanity is blight on the planet? Is it because they have watched too many other mad scientists on TV and just can’t help but try and get their names on the “List of Baddest Guys of all Time”? Nope, it’s because there is an enormous backlog of stupid in the science and government communities. That’s right, no baddies, no world to be destroyed scenarios, just plain good old fashion human stupid.

Need Proof? Well alrighty then….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “ Here, let me repeat that….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “
Yes you read that correctly and yes there are actually researchers in Texas who are spending their days trying to create the ant version of Shawn of the Dead. (That’s a great movie if you haven’t seen it by the way) These guys, who probably graduated top in their beaker classes, are attempting to fight fire with…well…zombies. According to the news story (yes this made the news, someone actually ADMITTED that this was taking place and then called it news) the flies lay eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away at the pest's tiny brain. The ant will hang around for about two weeks while the maggot feeds and then when there is no brain left in the ant, he/she just starts wandering aimlessly. (Ok, I have to admit I found that hilarious…) About a month after the egg is laid, the ant's head falls off -- and a new fly emerges ready to attack another fire ant. (Ok the phrase you’re looking for is OH…MY…LORD)

After reading this I had to sit in stunned silence. (ok I had to catch my breath from laughing so hard) Really?! Seriously?! This is a bad B rate horror movie waiting for a director isn’t it? So…with much renewed respect to my paranoid, conspiracy brethren, I have to say, hey guys you might be right, maybe the government really IS trying to make us all zombies…hell…look at what they’re doing to the ants!

Your tax dollars at work folks!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

But Dude I've got the munchies BAD!


Now I have had friends with the munches before but usually it only involves a 1 mph walk to the kitchen for the nearest Twinkie, not a 90 mph run for the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Officials say a suspected drug dealer led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana trying to elude them but was arrested as he made a mad dash for Taco Bell. Maybe he watches TV stoned and got going over the border to Mexico to avoid jail mixed up with those run for the border commercials for Taco Bell tacos. According to police reports he man was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot and told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. Now that is loyality to your favorite fast food place! I can see the new Taco Bell commericals now...

--Taco Bell - Make us your last stop before prision"

--Taco Bell - We are the Other Border!"

--Taco Bell - For those times when the munchies are too tough to resist."

--Taco Bell - Criminials give up in our parking lot and get three free tacos!"


Truely I just can't make this stuff up....

For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30715130/

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Hey man I don't want fries with THAT!


A story ran last week that puts a new spin on the phrase, huh? In Swizerland, (go figure) the Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. Hey is that how Big Macs and Quarter Pounders are born Ma?
The Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Now I don't know about you but I'm just not sure that I can eat an order of McDonald's french fries ever again.

The first question you have to ask is how did that thing get in there in the first place. Do you think some young grill cook with all those pimples from the fry grease in the air got lucky with the drive through girl? Well, at least they were using protection I guess. And how did it get into a happy meal? Maybe the grill cook was REALLY happy and that was the only place that made sense.

Now if the picture in your mind of the little seven year old girl with a Barbie in her lap, a french fry in one hand and a condom in the other isn't enough to make you die laughing the comment from a newscaster on Fox News should. After the regular desk reporter recanted the story of little pig tails and the condom adventure his fellow news caster looked at him inquizzedly and asked the one question that every guy who has ever found himself sitting in front of a television set with a beer in his hand while watching race cars make constant left hand turns would, he asked....wait for it....wait for it...."was it used?"






Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Yes I am too a writer...because the lights are still on...

I am taking a class in English Comp at Everett Community College and today, after doing an assignment that had to be posted on the class site, I had another student tell me that I wasn't really a writer if I hadn't make the NY best sellers list. she also went on to say that writers are lonely people and I didn't seem like one of those.
The writers of the world are connected into one group of likeminded people and this group is a community. We think alike and we have many of the same concerns. When writer’s block strikes almost all of those within this group understand exactly what the others are feeling. It is a wonderful resource in what can be a very lonely way to make a living.
I think that what holds the writing community together is the common thread that makes us all writers…the need to put down on paper or keyboard what it is we see or feel. Over the years I have come to realize that not everyone feels the need to do this and I was quite shocked to discover in my teen years that there are actually people out there who DON’T like to write at all…I was appalled. Our glue, if you will, is a drive to tell the story.
The life of a writer can be lonely and most people who do not share in the desire to tell the story don’t necessarily understand what makes us tick. Writers understand each other, we can understand the lonely nights at the keyboard, the irritation at the editor’s red pen and the need to drop what we are doing and find a pad and pencil. We don’t think that we are crazy, we understand the compulsion. Writers also like to read…a lot. And most importantly we understand why the story MUST be finished.
The biggest tension in the community of writers is ego. It is a double edged sword really. You have to have quite an ego in order to have the nerve to put your work out there but at the same time that same ego can take over your common sense and make you a bit paranoid. You can find yourself sitting in the dark one Saturday night wondering if an editor or even better, another writer, is looking to steal your story or even just your idea. Paranoia runs deep in our veins at times because, of course, our egos have told us that we are the best and as gullible as we are…we actually believe it.
I have been a writer since I was nine years old. I sold my first piece in a kid’s magazine. I remember asking the nice lady who paid me the $25 for the story I’d written if I was a writer now, she told me that if I cashed the check she’d just given me and paid for some candy with it and the owner of the store didn’t call the police on me to say I had stolen it…well…then I was a writer. I often tell people even today who ask me how I know I am a writer the same type of thing. I tell them that someone paid me for something I’d written and the lights were still on so I must be doing something right.
I have tasted the nasty flavor or deadlines, been paranoid about a piece of writing once it has been sent in and been the victim of an ego attack right before a book signing. Being a writer is a lonely road to travel most times with many a night sitting in the light of the computer screen tapping away hoping to God that what you’ve just spent four hours writing will actually make sense when I re-read it in the morning. I’m not alone though and I take great comfort in knowing that there are other people out there just like me….suffering too.

Monday, February 2, 2009

No really, you didn’t want that job anyway…

This week a story came out regarding the status of our economy. Now this is no surprise considering that there are at least 18 of those a day while people attempt to figure out how we all got into this mess in the first place. This particular article is different though because the subject makes our “ridiculous files”.
The story is entitled “Bailed-out banks sought foreign workers”. Now truly all your really need to get the hair on the back of your neck to stand straight up is the title of this article however it bears taking note of. We have heard that the bailed out banks have given out millions in bonuses, and we’ve heard that bailed out companies have spend millions on planes and such but now just when we are down, they kick us again with the fact that we didn’t have a chance at jobs with their companies anyway? Seriously…?
When I was a kid growing up in California in the heart of the valley we often heard that the reason why the farm jobs went to illegal Hispanics was because, and I quote so many people in saying, “most ‘other’ folks (meaning other than illegal workers) don’t want those jobs”. That was never true of course, it wasn’t that other people didn’t want the jobs, they just wouldn’t do those back breaking jobs for the very little money that farmer owners and ranchers would pay the illegal folks. What they paid them was a crime and for many, many years now the government local and otherwise has looked the other way while it continues to happen. Now…it is happening on a global scale and politicians are saying, “huh?” Really? They didn’t realize that this was happening? Ok, and I have a bridge I’ll sell ya just as soon as I can get a good picture of what I’m selling….
It really is time for a revolution of sorts’ folks. The government is telling us that they are working on it, but they have been “working on it” forever. The problem is the corporations and we all know that they are the elephant in the living room yet no one will address it, instead the politicians keep buying it new clothes and hope that we won’t notice.
So what I would ask is this, how does a story such as this get published and no one….NO ONE…show up on television screaming what the hell….. Well the answer is simple, the television station is owned by a corporation and the news guy who would have asked the questions is paid by a corporation so the answers to the questions are forever locked in a vault labeled “things the American people fell for”……

For the whole story visit: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28964300/

Sunday, February 1, 2009

Call 911…oh wait that’s me!

Your wedding day is one of those days that live in your memory forever. The white dress, the flowers, the music, the friends and family who come to see you off into the land of “I do”….it is the stuff of Hallmark cards…that is until someone pulls your hair out.
Last week in Herbon, Indiana a woman barreled her way into a wedding reception where she wasn’t invited. Sure she was the sister of the bride but then we all have family members we don’t want to have to deal with on such an important day…especially if that family member jumps you on the front porch and pulls clumps of your hair out in an effort to “talk” to you. I don’t know about any of you but that ain’t talking…that’s assault.
As the story goes the sister says that she showed up to talk to the bride about family issues however once she made it onto the porch she preceded in taking out the bride’s hair and then in a scene reminiscent of Bride Wars, she took the bride down, wedding dress and all. It appears that there are some unresolved anger issues here. The attacker says that she didn’t attack the bride despite five other people who witnessed it. The police arrested the sister and the bride went on about her wedding day festivities although with a little less hair….the attacker, (and this is where it gets ridiculous….) she bailed out and quit her job….as a 911 dispatcher. You would have thought she would have learned something from incoming assault calls…like hey, you can get arrested for that….

Saturday, January 31, 2009

Yeah well I had all these extra embryos…what’s a girl to do

Ok, I am all for the right to choose how you live your life and all but sometimes those choices are just ridiculous. Case in point…the woman in California who has just added eight more children to her brood, keep in mind that she already had six kids. And yes that makes 14 in all for those of us who tend to be math challenged.
In the story the woman’s mother says that her daughter has always been obsessed with having kids…duh… The woman whose previous children are ages two through seven has had this latest litter via fertility drugs, the same way, as it turns out, that she had the first six. When asked how she could afford all the children she simply said that she got paid for it. (I wonder what that means….)
According to news accounts the woman wanted to implant the remaining embryos from her first fertility pregnancy because they were going to be destroyed if she didn’t….so the doctor, obviously tittering on the brink of insanity himself, implanted all of them and guess what…she ended up giving birth to ALL of them. Wow who would have thunk it….
The woman is a single mom and a full-time student who now has an entire class of her own….so here’s my question for the day…what about these kids? They are going to grow up in a group home for this woman’s way-ward embryos. The father is absent, apparently by the mother’s choice and while I don’t think that you need a man around to raise a child properly, shouldn’t this woman at least have an assistant coach? Children take time and attention and even the best of intended mothers have a difficult time spreading that attention around with as little as three kids, what kind of attention could a single mother give to 14 of them at one time? The answer is sparse at best. While the doctors on the televised news conference seemed quite pleased with themselves I’d be willing to bet that once mom leaves the hospital none of these doctors will be offering to babysit. The woman’s mother is so distraught that she has said, once the babies are home, she is out of there which means mom will be alone with 14 kids all between the ages of two and seven. (if you mothers out there are counting…that means at least 10 in diapers at once…)
When the woman went to her fertility doctor he should have offered her a straight jacket instead of more frozen kid-pops for the freezer womb. Seriously…what doctor thought that this was a good idea?

If you want the whole story so that you can scare your own kids away from fertility doctor’s visit http://www.comcast.net/articles/news-national/20090131/Octuplets/

Friday, January 30, 2009

Your want your what back?????

Gift giving is an age old tradition and when you’re married the gifts you receive can range from a diamond ring to a new washer and dryer. (Although my mom hated it when my dad gave her something that she could do housework with) In today’s society a gift is no longer simply a gift. When a guy and a girl go their separate ways there is often a question of “hey when do I get my stuff back?”
We’ve all heard the stories about guys breaking it off with their ladies and demanding that items be returned. Spurned lovers have gone to court over homes, cars, money, and clothing and even, sadly, the dog. No longer do we live in an age when once you give someone something it is theirs to keep. Nope…break my heart…and damn it give me my stuff back….all of it. Well this week one guy may have taken that adage a smidge too far…and this is where it gets ridiculous.
In Victorville, CA a man is on trial for attempting to take an item (actually two) back from his ex-girlfriend. He is on trial for breaking and entering of the insane kind. In July of 2006 this young man (26 years old) stabbed his ex-girlfriend six times in an effort to “take back" breast implants that he paid for. Yes, you heard that right….he was trying to take back his gift of boobage. The man was quoted in court as saying that he was “gonna cut em out and get em back”. He is on trial for a bevy of things including false imprisonment, stalking, burglary and…well…attempted murder. I wonder if he can also be charged with stupidity.

If you need to shake your head and reconsider the next gift you accept, read the whole story here: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28926834/

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Seriously...Cheese?

I can think of a lot of things I would ban from coming into the United States. Guns, weapons of any kind, drugs, lead poisoned toys, tainted food, stuff made by countries that are guilty of human rights violations (did I say China, cause I didn’t mean to name a country that is guilty of human rights violations that imports crap to the United States every day…no…I don’t think I said China), there are a number of things I guess but I do believe that the one thing that would NEVER cross my mind is... cheese.
Yes folks, in the last days of his presidency, W decided to make a stand on….cheese. As a matter of fact Roquefort cheese to be exact. It appears that in a playground move any second grader would have been proud of George decided that if the European Union was going to ban imports of U.S. beef containing hormones then by-God he would hit them back in the cheese…Roquefort to be exact. The Bush administration via U.S. Trade Representative Susan C. Schwab imposed a 300 percent duty on the smelliest of cheeses which makes it now impossible for your average snob…or person who enjoys Roquefort, to get the French cheese. It is an amazing and ridiculous move on the part of the Bush administration. (I know, I know…how often you have heard that over the last four years…)
The long and short of it is this… the price the French will pay for wanting to ensure that their citizens are not eating beef that is altered and not natural is no more Roquefort imports to the United States. The message: “Eat our over hormonal, chemically changed cows or we won’t eat your natural cheese!” Some days you just have to say…wow…..

If you have a need to shake your head while fighting back tears of laughter, visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28907462/ for the whole story.

The Art of Ridiculous

It is an art form that is being refined everyday…the art of being ridiculous. Only in American can we reform something so well that it becomes an acceptable form of communication, story-telling and even religion.
There are stories in the news, on television and even in the streets every day reciting how someone somewhere has made yet another decision that not only sparks of irresponsible or downright meanness but ridiculous to the point of being…well…almost unbelievable.
So who am I? I am the simple observer. I watch the world around me on a daily basis as we, as a nation, continue to accept our lives being handed to us through spoonfuls of something sweet, (coated in oil, iPods, laptops, the internet, promises of a better tomorrow…) in order to hide the taste of our waning civil rights, disappearing privacy and sense of freedom while our quality of life crashes to the ground in a fiery ball wrapped in our most recent bank statements and stock portfolios. What is even more amazing is the consistent finger pointing. From space America must look like a porcupine with all those fingers in the air. Now, no one is apparently to blame, taxpayers are bailing out the government and trust me fellow observers…before it is over they will end up blaming the very people who bailed them out…us…somehow this will all end up the fault of the American tax payer.
So…here I sit ready to point out the trends, the lies, and the stupidity and yes…the ridiculousness of it all. I have to do something because if I don’t I’ll just go numb ……