Some People will do anything for a smoke

Some people will do anything for a cigarette. I don’t personally smoke so I am not intuned with the crazy brain cell that a woman in Florida accessed last week. According to the news reports authorities said a woman who wasn't wearing any clothes knocked on stranger's door in the middle of the night to ask for cigarettes. Forgive me but can you see the reaction this guy had? (Lord thank you, thank you, thank you) That is until he realized that the woman at the door could have been his grandmother.
Yup according to the Pinellas County sheriff's office the woman was 52 years old and wearing only boxer shorts. (Ew factor – check.) I don’t know about you but I am embracing my later years albeit not quite this much. What would you say to a 52 year old woman at the door at 2 a.m. in nothing but boxer shorts? Perhaps, Grandma is that you?
I guess this really doesn’t need to be pointed out but the story does say that the woman was found wandering around after the police got the call and showed up, (Probably after catching their breath from laughing so hard) in (you guessed it) a trailer park. Those rednecks…they just have all the fun don’t they.
For the whole story, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30691193/

Hey buddy is this your head?

We spend our days wondering where AIDS came from, what (or who for those of you conspiracy theorist out there) developed the Swine Flu and how on earth did the Ebola virus come into being? These are all things that suddenly cropped up and gave a lot of people the fight of their lives. How does something SUDDENLY come into being?

Conspiracy theorist would have you believe that there is some mad laughter coming from a secret lab somewhere where there is a guy (or girl, equal rights for the mad scientist you see) developing horrible vials of stuff to unleash on the unsuspecting public. While the regular people are going about their days eating their Wheaties, mowing the lawn and playing baseball on their Wii’s (no one actually goes OUTSIDE anymore) there are actually people out there who are out to get us. They want to see us suffer and why? Is it because they can? Is it because they believe that all of humanity is blight on the planet? Is it because they have watched too many other mad scientists on TV and just can’t help but try and get their names on the “List of Baddest Guys of all Time”? Nope, it’s because there is an enormous backlog of stupid in the science and government communities. That’s right, no baddies, no world to be destroyed scenarios, just plain good old fashion human stupid.

Need Proof? Well alrighty then….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “ Here, let me repeat that….
“Researchers in Texas are trying an unusual approach to combat fire ants -- deploying parasitic flies that turn the pesky and economically costly insects into zombies whose heads fall off. “
Yes you read that correctly and yes there are actually researchers in Texas who are spending their days trying to create the ant version of Shawn of the Dead. (That’s a great movie if you haven’t seen it by the way) These guys, who probably graduated top in their beaker classes, are attempting to fight fire with…well…zombies. According to the news story (yes this made the news, someone actually ADMITTED that this was taking place and then called it news) the flies lay eggs on the fire ants, and the eggs hatch into maggots inside the ant and eat away at the pest's tiny brain. The ant will hang around for about two weeks while the maggot feeds and then when there is no brain left in the ant, he/she just starts wandering aimlessly. (Ok, I have to admit I found that hilarious…) About a month after the egg is laid, the ant's head falls off -- and a new fly emerges ready to attack another fire ant. (Ok the phrase you’re looking for is OH…MY…LORD)

After reading this I had to sit in stunned silence. (ok I had to catch my breath from laughing so hard) Really?! Seriously?! This is a bad B rate horror movie waiting for a director isn’t it? So…with much renewed respect to my paranoid, conspiracy brethren, I have to say, hey guys you might be right, maybe the government really IS trying to make us all zombies…hell…look at what they’re doing to the ants!

Your tax dollars at work folks!

For the whole story, because I really didn’t make this up…
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_051309ENB-AP_fire-ants-headless-zombies-JM.1ff5132c.html

But Dude I've got the munchies BAD!

Now I have had friends with the munches before but usually it only involves a 1 mph walk to the kitchen for the nearest Twinkie, not a 90 mph run for the Taco Bell drive-thru.

Officials say a suspected drug dealer led police on a 90 mph chase in Indiana trying to elude them but was arrested as he made a mad dash for Taco Bell. Maybe he watches TV stoned and got going over the border to Mexico to avoid jail mixed up with those run for the border commercials for Taco Bell tacos. According to police reports he man was arrested after he stopped suddenly at a Taco Bell parking lot and told officers he "knew he was going to jail for a while" and wanted to get one last burrito. Now that is loyality to your favorite fast food place! I can see the new Taco Bell commericals now...

--Taco Bell - Make us your last stop before prision"

--Taco Bell - We are the Other Border!"

--Taco Bell - For those times when the munchies are too tough to resist."

--Taco Bell - Criminials give up in our parking lot and get three free tacos!"

Truely I just can't make this stuff up....

For the whole story visit http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30715130/

Hey man I don't want fries with THAT!

A story ran last week that puts a new spin on the phrase, huh? In Swizerland, (go figure) the Swiss police said they are investigating a 7-year-old girl's discovery of a condom in her McDonald's Happy Meal. Hey is that how Big Macs and Quarter Pounders are born Ma?
The Fribourg state police said the mother called them after the girl discovered the condom among her French fries. Now I don't know about you but I'm just not sure that I can eat an order of McDonald's french fries ever again.

The first question you have to ask is how did that thing get in there in the first place. Do you think some young grill cook with all those pimples from the fry grease in the air got lucky with the drive through girl? Well, at least they were using protection I guess. And how did it get into a happy meal? Maybe the grill cook was REALLY happy and that was the only place that made sense.

Now if the picture in your mind of the little seven year old girl with a Barbie in her lap, a french fry in one hand and a condom in the other isn't enough to make you die laughing the comment from a newscaster on Fox News should. After the regular desk reporter recanted the story of little pig tails and the condom adventure his fellow news caster looked at him inquizzedly and asked the one question that every guy who has ever found himself sitting in front of a television set with a beer in his hand while watching race cars make constant left hand turns would, he asked....wait for it....wait for it...."was it used?"

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/30561605/

Yes I am too a writer...because the lights are still on...

I am taking a class in English Comp at Everett Community College and today, after doing an assignment that had to be posted on the class site, I had another student tell me that I wasn't really a writer if I hadn't make the NY best sellers list. she also went on to say that writers are lonely people and I didn't seem like one of those.
The writers of the world are connected into one group of likeminded people and this group is a community. We think alike and we have many of the same concerns. When writer’s block strikes almost all of those within this group understand exactly what the others are feeling. It is a wonderful resource in what can be a very lonely way to make a living.
I think that what holds the writing community together is the common thread that makes us all writers…the need to put down on paper or keyboard what it is we see or feel. Over the years I have come to realize that not everyone feels the need to do this and I was quite shocked to discover in my teen years that there are actually people out there who DON’T like to write at all…I was appalled. Our glue, if you will, is a drive to tell the story.
The life of a writer can be lonely and most people who do not share in the desire to tell the story don’t necessarily understand what makes us tick. Writers understand each other, we can understand the lonely nights at the keyboard, the irritation at the editor’s red pen and the need to drop what we are doing and find a pad and pencil. We don’t think that we are crazy, we understand the compulsion. Writers also like to read…a lot. And most importantly we understand why the story MUST be finished.
The biggest tension in the community of writers is ego. It is a double edged sword really. You have to have quite an ego in order to have the nerve to put your work out there but at the same time that same ego can take over your common sense and make you a bit paranoid. You can find yourself sitting in the dark one Saturday night wondering if an editor or even better, another writer, is looking to steal your story or even just your idea. Paranoia runs deep in our veins at times because, of course, our egos have told us that we are the best and as gullible as we are…we actually believe it.
I have been a writer since I was nine years old. I sold my first piece in a kid’s magazine. I remember asking the nice lady who paid me the $25 for the story I’d written if I was a writer now, she told me that if I cashed the check she’d just given me and paid for some candy with it and the owner of the store didn’t call the police on me to say I had stolen it…well…then I was a writer. I often tell people even today who ask me how I know I am a writer the same type of thing. I tell them that someone paid me for something I’d written and the lights were still on so I must be doing something right.
I have tasted the nasty flavor or deadlines, been paranoid about a piece of writing once it has been sent in and been the victim of an ego attack right before a book signing. Being a writer is a lonely road to travel most times with many a night sitting in the light of the computer screen tapping away hoping to God that what you’ve just spent four hours writing will actually make sense when I re-read it in the morning. I’m not alone though and I take great comfort in knowing that there are other people out there just like me….suffering too.

No really, you didn’t want that job anyway…

This week a story came out regarding the status of our economy. Now this is no surprise considering that there are at least 18 of those a day while people attempt to figure out how we all got into this mess in the first place. This particular article is different though because the subject makes our “ridiculous files”.
The story is entitled “Bailed-out banks sought foreign workers”. Now truly all your really need to get the hair on the back of your neck to stand straight up is the title of this article however it bears taking note of. We have heard that the bailed out banks have given out millions in bonuses, and we’ve heard that bailed out companies have spend millions on planes and such but now just when we are down, they kick us again with the fact that we didn’t have a chance at jobs with their companies anyway? Seriously…?
When I was a kid growing up in California in the heart of the valley we often heard that the reason why the farm jobs went to illegal Hispanics was because, and I quote so many people in saying, “most ‘other’ folks (meaning other than illegal workers) don’t want those jobs”. That was never true of course, it wasn’t that other people didn’t want the jobs, they just wouldn’t do those back breaking jobs for the very little money that farmer owners and ranchers would pay the illegal folks. What they paid them was a crime and for many, many years now the government local and otherwise has looked the other way while it continues to happen. Now…it is happening on a global scale and politicians are saying, “huh?” Really? They didn’t realize that this was happening? Ok, and I have a bridge I’ll sell ya just as soon as I can get a good picture of what I’m selling….
It really is time for a revolution of sorts’ folks. The government is telling us that they are working on it, but they have been “working on it” forever. The problem is the corporations and we all know that they are the elephant in the living room yet no one will address it, instead the politicians keep buying it new clothes and hope that we won’t notice.
So what I would ask is this, how does a story such as this get published and no one….NO ONE…show up on television screaming what the hell….. Well the answer is simple, the television station is owned by a corporation and the news guy who would have asked the questions is paid by a corporation so the answers to the questions are forever locked in a vault labeled “things the American people fell for”……

For the whole story visit: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28964300/

Call 911…oh wait that’s me!

Your wedding day is one of those days that live in your memory forever. The white dress, the flowers, the music, the friends and family who come to see you off into the land of “I do”….it is the stuff of Hallmark cards…that is until someone pulls your hair out.
Last week in Herbon, Indiana a woman barreled her way into a wedding reception where she wasn’t invited. Sure she was the sister of the bride but then we all have family members we don’t want to have to deal with on such an important day…especially if that family member jumps you on the front porch and pulls clumps of your hair out in an effort to “talk” to you. I don’t know about any of you but that ain’t talking…that’s assault.
As the story goes the sister says that she showed up to talk to the bride about family issues however once she made it onto the porch she preceded in taking out the bride’s hair and then in a scene reminiscent of Bride Wars, she took the bride down, wedding dress and all. It appears that there are some unresolved anger issues here. The attacker says that she didn’t attack the bride despite five other people who witnessed it. The police arrested the sister and the bride went on about her wedding day festivities although with a little less hair….the attacker, (and this is where it gets ridiculous….) she bailed out and quit her job….as a 911 dispatcher. You would have thought she would have learned something from incoming assault calls…like hey, you can get arrested for that….